In Vino Veritas

Fair warning, I conceived the idea for this post while drinking.  I was talking with friends about various brands and types of wines, why we liked them or why we didn’t.  Words like “intense”, “satisfying”, “smooth” and “velvety” were floating around… the kind of words that are equally well-suited to discussing sex toys.  In short order, my inebriated brain found other similarities between two of my favorite things.

Neither wine nor sex toys are needed to survive, but they sure make our lives more pleasant. Humans have been making both wine and sex toys for milennia.1  Wine consumption has been proven to have health benefits, as has a healthy sex life.  Both wine and sex toys are available in a dizzying number of varieties.  Some are loved almost universally, some are an acquired taste and some are completely unpalatable.  Even among wines or sex toys of the same basic type, there are myriad subtle variations.  Some wines and sex toys are suited to almost any situation, others are best in a specific scenario.  Both wine and sex toys can be dirt cheap or insanely expensive.  Among sex toys and wines, certain brands are decidedly higher quality than others.  But in both cases, price doesn’t always indicate the quality of the product.  Even a great producer can turn out a bad product from time to time.  Dedicated oenophiles will sample hundreds of vintages in search of the perfect sip, as sex toy enthusiasts and reviewers try out the latest releases.  Neither wine nor sex toys should be used while driving a vehicle.  In short, the two things have a great deal in common.

Of course, there are differences. Wine is a consumable item while sex toys are generally not. Too much wine is hazardous to your health, sex toys are safe to use as often as you like.  There are no biblical mentions of Jesus turning anything into sex toys to liven up a wedding celebration (that would certainly have made church a lot more interesting) but overall, I still think the comparison works.

Taking things a little further, certain types of wine correlate with particular types of toys.  This list is, admittedly, biased by my own tastes.

  • Jelly toys are the cheap white zinfandel I drank in college before I knew better.  I didn’t truly appreciate wine or sex toys until I had educated myself.
  • Gimmicky “innovative” toys are like sweet champagne: they seem fun at first, but ultimately give me a big headache.
  • Beloved toys like Lelo Mona 2, We Vibe Tango or Vixen Mustang are smooth, semi-dry whites: pleasing to most people, and as enjoyable on their own as part of a five-course meal.
  • My size queen toys are like the bold, dry, earthy red wines I love.  They’re not for everyone, nor are they for every day, but they offer a unique experience to be savored

If you have more wine/sex toy analogies to add, I’d love to see your comments!

 

  1. In case you were curious, the earliest evidence of wine production dates back to 7000 BCE, the first known dildo dates back about 30,000 years.
2 Comments
  • Camryn
    April 7, 2014

    Some of the humor of this post is lost on me as I don’t drink alcoholic beverages, but I still think it’s pretty cool, especially considering some people like wine before they masturbate. 🙂

  • Epiphora
    April 22, 2014

    I AM DYING, THIS IS SPOT-ON

Write a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *