Disclaimer: I never meant to review this cactus dildo. In order to explain how this came to pass, let me give you a little backstory…
It was April Fool’s Day, and I was scoping out the humorous holiday offerings. I read Epiphora’s epic sponsorship “announcement“, Pantophile Panic’s masterful Thrustmaster 3000 review, and Lelo’s somewhat ironic Dextrüs “release“. From there, I went looking for actual April Fool’s toys available for sale. Frisky Beast celebrated with a Crustacean Sensation, with lobster dildos in Steamy Red, Bubbling Blue and Fool’s Gold. Sadly, these sold out quickly and I wasn’t able to obtain one. I remain eternally hopeful that a silicone lobster may someday be mine. 1
As I mourned the lobster that was not to be, I wandered over to Primal Hardwere. I’d heard good things about their products and service, but hadn’t partaken since their early silicone products were for genitals that I do not possess. My first reaction to Pedro was laughter at the ridiculousness of a cactus dildo. And then I looked at the measurements. Insertable length of 6.5 inches. Diameter of 2.75 inches. For a girth fanatic 2 like myself, this sounded promising. Add in the fact that I have a thing for unconventional-looking sex toys (in case you hadn’t noticed hints like this) and Pedro was clearly destined to be mine.
The good folks at Primal Hardwere shipped Pedro out to me quickly. In a mere handful of days, this succulent beauty arrived in my post office box. Upon opening the package, I found an impressively sized silicone sculpture of a San Pedro cactus, minus needles. Pedro is made in Primal Hardware’s medium firmness silicone. This is very much on the squishier end of the silicone continuum, similar to a gummy bear or Bad Dragon’s soft silicone. Because of Pedro’s size, this toy still stands up nicely despite the softness. Pedro’s large flower pot base means that it is safe for anal as well as vaginal use.
After the initial impression, I moved on to the product testing phase. At this point, I wasn’t thinking about doing a review, just trying it out for fun. I’ll admit, I was overcome with giggles as I applied lube to my brand new silicone cactus. The cognitive dissonance factor between “cactus” and “dildo” is astronomical. Even Primal Hardwere says “This item is sold as a novelty only, we’re not responsible for how you choose to use it”. But feeling that squishy, bumpy shaft in my hands, my sense of adventure triumphed over my few reservations. And I am very glad it did.
Pedro’s maximum girth is near the top, so this cactus could be a challenge if you are new to thicker toys. Personally, I like a nice “front loaded” toy so this wasn’t a problem. The bumps, grooves and ridges are stimulating but not overwhelming thanks to the deliciously soft silicone. Thrusting is wonderful, but Pedro’s unique design lends itself to some unconventional use. Because Pedro is widest at the top, it will stay in place once fully inserted. Lying on my back with Pedro locked in, bouncing my hips up and down, I had an orgasm unlike anything else in the world. The weight of Pedro shifting inside me, and the lip of the flower pot wiggling back and forth over my clit combined magically to produce a remarkable cactus-gasm. It’s also possible to use Pedro with a small vibrator (like Tango or Mia), though the flowerpot base makes this slightly awkward. Pedro is also fun to use externally, squishing his ridges and bumps over the clit.
My one complaint about Pedro is that cleaning is difficult. His grooves trap lube and body fluids, so an extra thorough scrub is needed to avoid unpleasant and crusty surprises after it dries. I thought I had done a fine job after my first use, until I examined Pedro the next day. I was able to avoid that issue on subsequent uses, so it’s not a deal breaker… just something to be aware of.
As unbelievable as it may seem, I strongly recommend that fellow girth lovers grab a cactus for their preferred orifice. Pedro is still available at Primal Hardwere, rumor has it that the duration of his availability will depend on how well he sells.