Title: The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy
Author: Violet Blue (foreword by Carol Queen, Ph. D.)
I was excited by the opportunity to review Violet Blue’s latest book. I enjoy getting the latest sex news from her website, Tiny Nibbles. I’m also a fan of her tech writing, and love that she’s a fellow fan of Windows phones.
The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy impressed me from the start. Within the first three pages, Violet Blue makes it clear that this is going to be a serious look at sexual fantasy, far beyond the usual (and relatively tame) topics covered in Cosmo articles. Bisexuality, threesomes, fetishes and more are all mentioned early, without the slightest hint of shame or judgment. Blue’s philosophy on fantasy is one of acceptance and encouragement, whether you’re looking to become more comfortable with your own fantasies, share them with a partner, or work toward making them real. She views fantasy as “the cornerstone of your individual sexual expression” and “Mother Nature’s 100 percent natural, guaranteed aphrodisiac”. Blue also offers reassurance to those who might be troubled by their fantasies, reminding readers that in fantasy, we are free to enjoy things we can’t or wouldn’t choose in reality.
The book begins with ways that the reader can get in touch with their fantasies on their own, through masturbation. The next chapter talks about ways to share those fantasies with a partner, including tips to make those conversations easier for people who may have reservations. If you’re familiar with your own fantasies and/or have already talked to your partner about them, these chapters may still offer helpful advice you haven’t seen before. There’s also a section on easing the conversation with a reluctant partner.
With each subsequent chapter of the book, Blue delves into the many possibilities for different types of fantasy play: role play, multiple partners, dirty talk, striptease, strip clubs, phone sex, call girls, public sex and fetishes. The information tends to start in basic terms, describing the fantasy, then moving on to address how that fantasy (or at least some portion of it) could be experienced in real life. She suggests props, costumes, locations, scenarios and ways to meet other partners to join in the fun. The detail, including etiquette for interaction with strippers, phone sex operators and sex workers, is remarkably thorough. If you want even more information, there is a comprehensive list of resources related to each chapter at the end of the book. Rounding out the book, there are erotic short stories by Alison Tyler between chapters.
I think it would have been entertaining to read this book while hooked up to an EEG monitoring my brain waves. As you might expect, my reactions to some sections of the book were stronger than others. I found myself reacting to the topics I know are hot buttons for me (submission, public sex and multiple partners, among other things). But to my surprise, I also had a strong reaction reading about a particular role play scenario. I thought, before I began, that I knew my own sexual fantasies inside and out. I had always thought of role play as a bit corny, something I couldn’t imagine myself doing. Thanks to this book, I’ve imagined it dozens of times… and shared those thoughts too. I haven’t yet had the chance to test the practical application, but I’m studying hard in the meantime! Here’s an excerpt from the book with some role playing advice:
Think about your role for a minute—playing that role for your lover turns you on, so evidently something in it resonates with you. What is it? How does your role express itself—stern, cold, nervous (that one’s easy!), excited, horny, petulant, selfish, frightened, angry, demure? A sizzling sexpot beneath your cool exterior, or a nervous virgin who wants only to please? Give yourself room to have several feelings at once, mingling your real-life emotions with those of your character. Roles tend to fall into two general categories: If you’re in the more active role, you’ll want to get something sexual from your lover, while in the receptive role you’ll be reacting to your partner’s innuendo, sexual dominance, or advances. whatever role you take, let your own erotic desire be your primary motivating factor.
Motivation is why you’re there—as yourself and as the character you’re playing. Your goal is always to turn on your lover and yourself, and for both of you to have a great time getting off in a new, exciting, and sexually significant way. But the role or character you are personifying also has his or her own motivation. your character’s goal may be to humiliate, punish, or control your partner’s character. Your interaction with your partner will be primarily sexual, but different from the role or persona you’re used to playing with this person (though not too different than you’d like it to be).
If you’re interested in exploring your sexual fantasies more deeply, The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy can help you on your way. You can get your copy in paperback from Cleis Press. It’s also available in paperback and Kindle format from Amazon. Personally, I prefer the electronic version of sex-related books…I read a good portion of this guide on a crowded train with no one the wiser.
About the Author: Violet Blue (tinynibbles.com, @violetblue) is the best-selling author of numerous sex-instruction books, including The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus and The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio. She also writes about erotica, pornography, and sexual pleasure and health for magazines such as O: The Oprah Magazine, Newsweek, Cosmopolitan, Esquire, Glamour, Maxim, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, Penthouse, Redbook, and more. She lives in San Francisco.
The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy was provided to me free of charge in exchange for an honest review.