I’m supposed to be writing erotica tonight. I want to, I really do. Sadly, I cannot accomplish my goal because my brain has become clogged with massive amounts of NOPE. The NOPE factor has reached critical mass and if I don’t release some of it, I may explode.
Nope #1 – The Go-Go Glider is a no go
First up on the NOPE agenda, we have the latest in a parade of questionably designed crowdsourced sex toys. Feast your eyes on the Go-Go Glider! I think @MrsFuckmachine nailed it when she called this thing a “Vaginal Javelin”. It’s 19.5 inches of stainless steel with a silicone sleeve. The theory here is that both sections can move independently, providing a double dose of internal stimulation. It purports to have an insertable length of 6.5 inches but it’s not clear to me what, exactly, would stop it from going further and assaulting my cervix with that stabby looking steel end. Sometimes I look at a sex toy and think “I need that in me NOW.” When I look at the Go-Go Glider, my knees slam shut in terror.
The fear factor only increases upon realizing that this beast is intended to be a toy for couples. I don’t care how much I trust my partner, or how fabulous our communication is, I am not handing him nearly 20 inches of stainless steel and telling him to have at it. Look at this diagram. It looks like he’s plunging a toilet or pumping up a tire.
Of course, like many crowdsourced creations, the Go-Go Glider is presented as the solution to a problem that doesn’t actually exist. “Finally, a sex toy for couples that works!” their campaign page exclaims. I am sure We Vibe and other manufacturers who have been successfully selling couple-oriented toys for years would raise their collective eyebrows at this tomfoolery. Also, when you consider that the toy is only providing physical stimulation to one female partner, there are literally hundreds of existing toys that can accomplish the same goal. You know, without the risk of impalement.
And finally, what crowdsourcing campaign would be complete without obnoxious and poorly conceived marketing tactics? While it lacks Teddy Love’s unique blend of objectification and infantilization, or the straight up douchebaggery of the Handie, the Go-Go Glider still manages to inflame my ire with this image:
Repeat after me, Go-Go Glider team: PEOPLE ARE NOT SEX TOYS. And the headless, fully clothed man carrying the completely passive (possibly unconscious?) naked woman is creepy. I know you were going for artistic, what with the black and white and the tuxedo and all, but the result feels very wrong. Especially when you caption it to imply that the woman is a toy. NOPE.
Nope #2 – Squirting is NOT PEE
I’m not going to spend too much time on this one, because folks like Epiphora and Penny have already done such a spectacular job. Or you could head on over to Twitter and read the #notpee hashtag. But damn it, I am pissed off that some alleged scientists did an extremely limited study involving a whole seven women and on that basis, felt entitled to tell the world that all squirting is just pee.
I need to add my voice to the chorus of women who have personally experienced this phenomenon. I know, with every fiber of my being, that I am not peeing when I squirt. It looks different. It smells different. I don’t appreciate this study implying that I don’t know my own body, trying to cast shame and doubt on my pleasure. I only have one word for this study and those promoting it: NOPE!
Nope #3 – TighTenz and the Legend of the Loose Vagina
Completing tonight’s trifecta of NOPE, we have a company called TighTenz marketing vaginal tightening capsules. I have no idea what evil brought them to my Twitter feed, or what possessed me to visit their website once I saw what they were selling. The same masochistic impulse that made me read the Go-Go Glider campaign, I suppose
TighTenz and other products like it exist solely to profit from women’s insecurity. They speak of the inevitable increase in the diameter of the vagina over time, as if this is an actual thing that happens. They even call it “vaginal loosening syndrome” in press releases, trying to make it sound like a real, medically recognized disorder. And in a further sad attempt to bolster their complete lack of credibility, they plastered a stock photo of a doctor on their site. All this to convince women to shell out cash for products that dry out the vagina and/or cause vaginal tissues to swell. I don’t know about you, but dryness and chemically induced swelling are conditions I’d prefer to avoid.
It’s been awhile since I last mentioned this, but the vagina is elastic and muscular. No one’s vagina is going to start flapping in the breeze as they age. Barring rare complicated cases, vaginas bounce back from childbirth just fine. It’s what they’re made to do. And there is absolutely no way that having sex regularly is going to do physical damage. The myth “tight” versus “loose” exists to shame women and prioritize male pleasure, as Peep so eloquently writes in this post.
If you’re concerned about muscle tone or want to increase the strength of your orgasms, kegel exercises are proven to help, and they are free. You can do them anywhere, at any time. Should you choose to make an investment in your vagina, you can pick up a set of Luna Beads for less than the smallest box (4 capsules) of TighTenz. They’ll help remind you to do those kegels, and make daily activities like climbing stairs much more pleasant. As a bonus, they don’t involve sticking capsules full of vaguely labeled minerals and herbs into your body. So in short: kegels, yes…TighTenz, big, fat NOPE.
There. The weight of the NOPE has been lifted from my shoulders, and my brain is free to focus on writing much more pleasant things. Here’s hoping that the NOPE fairy doesn’t bring me any more presents for awhile!