Erotica Challenge: The “Euph-Off”

It all started with a coffee bean.  A metaphorical coffee bean, that is.  I read a tweet from @ChintzCurtain regarding the use of “coffee bean” as a euphemism for “anus” in erotica.  A discussion ensued about the use of godawful sexual euphemisms.  Curvaceous Dee added some thoughts, and a challenge was born: the three of us would each do our best (worst?) to write erotica jam-packed with horrible euphemisms.  The rules?  About 500 words each, to be published by March 1st.

We have, at various points in this process, regretted our decision.  We have awakened spouses with maniacal midnight laughter, and turned to alcohol to assist us in inflicting this horror upon the world.  Normally, I shudder at such nonsense…the following scene damn near induced a seizure.  But without further ado (and with my sincerest apologies), I present my scene.  It is from an imaginary erotic novel in which shy, virginal personal assistant Angelica Rose is seduced by her boss…Hollywood bad boy, Lance Ironwood1.

Angelica lay naked on the bed, every inch of her flesh exposed to Lance’s hungry gaze.  His eyes lingered on the alabaster globes of her breasts and their jutting ruby peaks.  Angelica gasped as Lance’s questing hand ventured boldly between her legs.  The petals of her ladyflower dripped with luscious nectar.  Angelica could feel his tumescent tube steak prodding her thigh like a hot poker.  She shivered at the thought that his turgid meat rod would soon be probing her innermost depths.

Carefully, he parted the glistening folds of her nether lips to reveal the precious pearl within.  He caressed her love nubbin, nibbling softly on the sweet strawberry bud of her nipple as he did.  His expert touch made her hoo-ha drool like a mastiff waiting for a bone.  Then his kisses blazed a trail from her perky, perfect mounds, across the soft white plain of her belly and downward to her valley of delight.

At first, his tongue danced gently over her most secret places, swirling and twirling in a tantalizing tango that sent shivers up and down her spine.  But soon, he was feasting on her muff like a starving man at a banquet.  The tsunami of ecstasy triggered by his oral attentions made Angelica buck like an unbroken filly.  Her world dissolved into sparkling visions of shooting stars and rainbows as Lance lapped eagerly at her honeypot.

When Angelica’s climactic shudders had subsided, Lance rose and stood before her.  She could see his bulging beef baton standing tall, in all its engorged glory.  As he poised his purple-headed lust serpent at the portal of her womanhood, Angelica wondered if her delicate feminine sheath could accommodate such girth.

Meanwhile, Lance could wait no longer to be engulfed in her silken warmth.  With a mighty thrust, Lance jabbed his mushroom-tipped love dart into the narrow opening of her passion purse.  Though Angelica had feared his tremendous tallywhacker would traumatize her trembling trap, she found that she wanted even more. 

At her urging, Lance buried the full length of his throbbing shaft deep in the slippery heat of her love cavern.  Angelica moaned as his massive, meaty member massaged her moist muffin.  She had never imagined that his joystick in her fun tunnel would feel so divine!  She prayed he would persist in pumping his powerful piston into her pleasure pocket perpetually as her pleasure overwhelmed her once more.

Seeing Angelica quivering in the throes of passion, Lance could not hold back his own release.  With a groan, he unleashed a raging torrent of man gravy, coating the walls of her velvet chamber.  Exhausted and spent, he collapsed into bed beside her, leaving her sticky bun dripping with his creamy love butter.

All I can say now is that I am profoundly sorry for subjecting you to that… though I did have a sick, twisted kind of fun writing it.  I hope you weren’t cringing too hard to laugh!And now that I have finished, I’m off to see what evil my cohorts in this endeavor have perpetrated.  It’s rather like a train wreck… I know it’s going to be terrible, and yet, I cannot look away.

Should you wish to subject yourself to more, click my coffee bean to see ALL the EuphOff entries.  And if you feel so inspired, we hope that you’ll join in the fun!




  1.  Since I’m trying to write badly, might as well go all out!  Also, credit to my muse at Hole Punch Toys who suggested that I give one of my erotica protagonists this very manly name
  • dizzygirl
    February 28, 2015

    Nice use of alliteration.

    • Lunabelle
      February 28, 2015

      Thank you. I love abusing alliteration.

    • James Dosher
      August 22, 2015

      Someone screwed a thesaurus into a hot, gooey mound to write something so confusingly livid. Thank you.

  • Curvaceous Dee
    February 28, 2015

    *dies* “…made her hoo-ha drool like a mastiff waiting for a bone.”

    Oh, but that was brilliant and painful and wow 🙂

    xx Dee

    • Lunabelle
      February 28, 2015

      I have seen actual, published, SERIOUS erotica in which “drooling” is a thing. Also saw “weeping cunt” once. No thank you! There are plenty of ways to discuss wetness without drooling or weeping getting involved.

  • Jane
    February 28, 2015

    I agree with dizzygirl – the alliteration in this is truly outstanding. And as for the ‘tumescent tube steak’? I have no words. No, really. I don’t!

    Bloody brilliant.


    • Lunabelle
      March 1, 2015

      Thank you! Alliteration abuse has been a favorite game of mine since high school. Even the most boring and serious of essays becomes hilarious when each paragraph has a different theme letter…

  • Squarilyn
    February 28, 2015

    I feel very much like there’s some Ten Things I Hate About You inspiration in that first bit. Well (badly) done!

  • Cara Bristol
    March 4, 2015

    A perfect example of why less can be more.

  • MariaSibylla
    March 6, 2015

    So many hilarious meat metaphors in this! I giggled from ‘tumescent tube steak’ all the way through to ‘man gravy.’ (Man gravy! I die!)

  • Molly
    March 7, 2015

    Oh my god this “passion purse” had me snorting giggles… just brilliant


  • Charlie
    March 8, 2015

    ‘Mushroom-tipped love dart.’ *weeps*

  • Diane Kepler
    March 10, 2015

    It takes persistence and skill to write something this delightfully bad. Mad respect.

  • Oleander Plume
    March 12, 2015

    This was a riot from beginning to end, but the “sticky bun dripping with love butter” made me snort laugh until I’m pretty sure my face was purple.

    Just awesome!

  • Beauty's Punishment
    March 12, 2015

    I loved it! I applaud you for coming up with all those snappy euphemisms, it was hilarious from start to finish.

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