Review: Closet Collection Mademoiselle

I had only positive thoughts when I selected the Mademoiselle to review.  I guess I haven’t been doing this long enough, I’m still a wide-eyed optimist when I look at opportunities.  Even when I have heard that a particular toy I’m about to receive is terrible, I withhold judgment and hope against all odds that I might be pleasantly surprised.  These were my gleeful remarks to myself as I decided to request this vibrator from SheVibe:

It’s silicone!

It’s thick!

It’s rechargeable and has independent dual motors!

It looks like a nice, affordable choice!

It’s a lovely shade of blue!

Considering the Mademoiselle purely by its specs and appearance, it looked like a great deal.  $70 for independent dual motors?  That’s pretty good!  Sure, the shape is a little funky, but I’m always up for experimentation.  My vagina does not shy away from adventurous and unusual designs, and the sex toy world would be boring if everything looked the same, right?

MDM Side

The sad fact is that almost nothing about this toy made me happy.  Its most notable positive feature is the remarkably strong and non-fussy magnetic charger.  I tend to have a love-hate relationship with magnetic chargers: Love having a toy without an unsightly, potentially non-waterproof charging port… hate that if the toy is jostled, I come back and find almost no juice after hours of “charging”.  In this area, and this alone, the Mademoiselle is a champ.  That magnetic charger locks in place and it won’t let go without a fight.

I had, in my optimistic state, hoped that the quality of the charger and the overall feel of the Mademoiselle boded well for its performance.  My hopes were dashed, however, within seconds of turning it on.  There is a sound that bad vibrators make… a whiny, grating buzz.  It is the sound of sex toy despair, of disappointed clits and mournful G-spots.   I had never heard this miserable sound so clearly, despite the fact that this was the Mademoiselle‘s lowest setting.  The Whine of Despair usually becomes evident in the higher ranges of a vibrator’s settings.

Buttons for Mademoiselle

I tried cycling through the dual motor settings on the Mademoiselle, thinking that resonance or a more rumbly second motor might improve the situation.  The answer was a resounding “NOPE”.  The vibrations got louder and higher, the resonance doing nothing beyond making my brain itch at the dissonance.  It sounds like aliens singing slightly off key.  Lest you think I am exaggerating, here is the video evidence:

 

 

I turned the Mademoiselle off, and realized with great sorrow that I still had to actually introduce this howling contraption to my genitals.  Eventually, after putting on some porn and warming up with a few trusted favorites, I resigned myself to taking the leap.  The vibrations were shallow and buzzy. Adding insult to injury, the noise drowned out my porn. I did eventually accomplish a lackluster, sad-trombone orgasm using it on my clit.  It was decidedly not worth the time and effort required.

As far as G-spot use goes, the curve and that notched head didn’t work for me at all.  I tried rocking, thrusting… nothing felt right.  The curve is too close to the head for me.  Either I couldn’t get pressure where I needed it, or I got discomfort from too much pressure. The vibrations are completely muffled.  But the noise isn’t dampened!  The sounds that happen when this vibrator is used internally are like some kind of crazy vaginal theremin.  Most of the enjoyment I derived from the Mademoiselle came from laughing at the noises it made in conjunction with my body.

I have to say that I’m truly sad about the performance of the Mademoiselle because it has so many positive features (body safe, waterproof, dual motor, rechargeable) and is reasonably priced.  I wanted it to be great.  The world needs quality insertable vibrators on the mid-to-lower end of the price range, but unfortunately this one fails to deliver.   I feel like Closet Collection paid too much attention to bells and whistles 1 and ignored the basics.  Perhaps they should have traded independent control of two substandard motors for single button control of two quality motors.  I could also do without the buttons lighting up in time with vibration patterns.

If you’re looking for value, your money would be far better spent on the PicoBong Moka.  It’s smaller and battery powered, but cheaper and stronger.  If (like me) size attracted you to the Mademoiselle, I’d recommend saving for something rumbly like the Big Boss or Swan Wand.

I received the Closet Collection Mademoiselle from SheVibe free of charge in exchange for my honest review.  Thank you, SheVibe!

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  1. And theremins?
1 Comment
  • dizzygirl
    June 10, 2015

    I’ve tried two vibes from Closet Collection. Both sucked. I don’t need to try any more.

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