The EuphOff, Part Deux: Tech Support

It’s here once again… that scary time when you’re afraid to read on for fear of the horrors you may encounter.  No, not Halloween.  It’s THE RETURN OF THE EUPHOFF!!!

For those unfamiliar with this madness, the EuphOff is an unholy event in which writers from across the internet strive to craft the very worst erotic tales.  It is hosted by the delightfully sadistic Jane of Behind the Chintz Curtain, who inspires us to levels of authorly awfulness heretofore unimagined.  Everyone’s prose is purpled to perfection and the euphemisms flow like cheap wine in my college dorm.  And it all started with a coffee bean

At first, I wasn’t sure how I’d approach the second EuphOff.  My last effort was full of alliteration and meaty metaphors, so I wanted to try something different.  This time, I bring you an encounter between CEO Sheila Moon and the one man who can give her what she so desperately craves…

Sheila sat at her desk, tense with anticipation.  She’d called him almost half an hour ago, hadn’t he heard the urgency in her voice, realized that she had to have him right now?

As if on cue, the door of her office opened.  There he stood, tall, dark and ready to tend to her all her IT needs.

“I heard you’re looking for a fast connection.” Matt remarked as he entered the room.

“Finally!” Sheila exclaimed.  “I’m so frustrated I could scream.  I can’t wait any longer, give it to me now!”

“It might take me a minute or two to get it up, but I think I can take care of you.” Matt grinned suggestively at Sheila, his eyes lingering on the ample fleshy orbs emphasized by her perfectly tailored suit. He’d seen many a rack in his day, but none quite as magnificently stacked as hers.

“Is that a stylus in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Sheila asked playfully.

 Matt stepped around behind Sheila’s desk to get a better look at her equipment.  “You seem to be running a little hot,” he observed, placing his hand on her box. “We’ll have to do something about that.”

Sheila stood up from her chair and leaned in close to Matt.  “I think I might need a little penetration testing…” she murmured seductively.

Matt’s skilled fingers traced their way up her thigh.  “Why don’t we try a little plug and play action?”

Sheila bent over her desk, short skirt sliding up to reveal the tops of her thigh high stockings and complete absence of undergarments.  With no firewall to stand in his way, Matt whipped out his dongle and eagerly docked with her open port. 

Sheila squealed like a dialup modem connecting to AOL as he plunged into her throbbing love tunnel.  “Oh baby, yes, I need more RAM!” Sheila cried out in ecstasy.  Matt relentlessly pegged her CPU, shuddering as his hard drive completed its data dump.   

After the two had caught their breath, Matt looked more closely at Sheila’s PC and noticed the ethernet cable lying disconnected on the floor beside it.  He plugged it back in and looked at her curiously.

“Oops!” Sheila said, unconvincingly. “But now that that’s fixed, I do have a very important question for you.”

What’s that?” Matt inquired.

Sheila grinned. “How long does it take you to reboot?”

My apologies to erotica fans and IT folks alike for that one…I couldn’t resist the temptation to abuse all those dirty sounding terms.  If that nonsense got you in the mood for more euphemism-laden erotica, by all means click the coffee bean to see what the rest of the EuphOff crew has created.


  • Jane
    November 5, 2015

    Tears, Lunabelle. Actual tears as I read this. Without a doubt, the BEST IT ticket ever raised. And the following line almost killed me:

    “Sheila squealed like a dialup modem connecting to AOL as he plunged into her throbbing love tunnel.”


    Thank you SO MUCH for doing the EuphOff again. You’ve done an amazing job with the brief and I’m chuffed to have you back for Part Deux.


    • Lunabelle
      November 6, 2015

      Thank you, Jane! My only regret is that I failed to work in a comment about unplugging it and plugging it back in again.

  • Dawn
    November 6, 2015

    Fabulous! I loved the AOL line too, (I remember those days). Loved ‘shuddering as his hard drive completed its data dump.’ too. It was all brilliant 🙂

  • dizzy
    November 6, 2015

    “Sheila squealed like a dialup modem connecting to AOL” Hahaha… great job!

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