As you should be aware by now, May is Masturbation Month. As a sex blogger and toy reviewer, I’m celebrating pretty much every day…but I do like to do a post in honor of the occasion. I couldn’t manage a Free Range Sex Toy weekend this May, but I thought of another way to keep in the spirit of things. Throughout this month, I made a list of thoughts and situations that have inspired me to masturbate. Mundane, sexy, silly…I documented it all. I stored this critical information on my phone, in a note innocuously titled “May Statistics” 1.
Of course there were many duplicate or near duplicate entries (see especially: porn, anxiety, general toy testing) so I’ve condensed the original list somewhat. I have also redacted potentially incriminating details and the names of non-fictional people, because I am a ninja after all!
And now, without further ado, here are my reasons/inspiration for pleasuring myself during the month of May:
- Because I realized it was 10:47 p.m. on May first and I hadn’t kicked off Masturbation Month properly yet
- Because bad ideas can be fun ideas
- Because I wasn’t going to get a damn bit of work done until I did
- Because I was doing testing for sex toy reviews
- Because hotel rooms amplify all my dirty thoughts
- Because I wanted to see if the We-Vibe Rave would make me squirt again (yes)
- Because I wanted to see if that old vibe I found still sucked as much as I remembered (also yes)
- Because I couldn’t stop thinking about that crazy sex story he told me
- Because I got a sparkly glitter dildo!
- Because my anxiety was keeping me awake
- Because I was remembering a game called “Good Kitty, Bad Kitty”
- Because Jon Snow is alive and naked
- Because I woke up at 3:33 a.m. after an amazing dream about a slow elevator
- Because it was 2:30 p.m. and for some reason my body thinks that is Prime Sexy Time
- Because he likes to watch
- Because I was imagining how someone would act/sound in bed and how I might get him there
- Because I needed to do a comparison between the curve of the Tantus Adam and Vixen Creations Mustang, and measurements weren’t going to cut it
- Because I finished that project with 15 minutes to spare
- Because I needed to decompress before a fancy dinner
- Because that guy is surprisingly hot when he’s wearing a suit
- Because I was watching porn
- Because I was dared to try getting off during a semi-public event 2
- Because I opened up a new box of Damn Average toys and couldn’t wait to try them
- Because I kicked so much ass on a presentation I’d been stressing about
- Because I was re-watching sex scenes from Jessica Jones.
- Because I already had my pants off
- Because I spent most of a three hour drive playing out sexual fantasy scripts in my head
- Because he called me “good girl”
Tracking my frequency and motivation was a surprisingly educational experience. It turns out that masturbation (or lack of it) is a pretty reliable indicator of my overall well-being. As you can tell by the volume of entries, it’s something that happens almost every day, and that’s not just because I have toys to test.
If I go more than a day or two without masturbating, there’s a pretty good chance that I’m sick, or stressed in ways beyond the usual career and family mayhem. Usually after a period of stress-induced down time, there will be a surge as I start to calm down. I’m not sure if those surges are driven by my relaxation or vice versa, but it’s an interesting pattern.
There are endless inspirations for masturbation, but for me they all boil down to the fact that it’s fun and feels good. Still, I think I’m going to continue my tracking project to see what else I can learn about how my brain and body work.