I’ve heard of some pretty amazing sex toy life hacks, but a recent news story out of San Bernardino, California took things to a whole new level. When an armed would-be robber entered an adult store called Lotions & Lace, the two clerks pelted him with sex toys until he fled. And (to the robber’s chagrin, I’m sure) it was all captured on video.
Inspired by this triumph of dildos over dastardly deeds, I pondered which sex toys I would recommend for self defense. There are quite a few hefty dildos in my collection, but these three would make particularly exceptional weapons.
When it comes to deadly dildos, nothing can touch the Eleven. The big brother of the Pure Wand, this thing is a badass eleven inches long and crafted from three pounds of stainless steel. A common reaction among first-time Eleven holders is “You could kill someone with this!” and they are not wrong. While it’s designed to give pleasure, it would make a positively skull-crunching club. If I had to face a dangerous foe armed only with a single sex toy, this would be it.
Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble
While I am generally fiercely protective of this hefty hunk of glassy girth, I have to admit the Double Trouble could make a stunning weapon (both visually and in terms of impact). It’s not as long or heavy as the Eleven, but I wouldn’t want to be in the path of that thick end when it’s moving at a high speed. And while it is made of glass, it’s not delicate. Fucking Sculptures makes high quality annealed glass toys that are less likely to break under stress.
In the event that defending yourself with the Double Trouble should happen to leave it damaged, don’t despair! The excellent folks at Fucking Sculptures have you covered:
“If you manage to break your Fucking Sculpture or render it useless in any way we will replace it. Once. This is a lifetime guarantee. You only pay the shipping. Just email us a digital photo and we’ll send you a similar one.”
Hoss isn’t as rigid as the steel and glass entries on this list, but it still packs a mighty wallop. Silicone may be softer, but it’s still heavy and dense. And its flexibility means you can get some whiplash action going to really ring somebody’s bell. If you’ve got a robber you need to clobber, Hoss should do the trick.
So what if you only have smaller, more conventionally sized sex toys on hand? Fear not, with a little creativity, you can still find a way to arm yourself. Load a sock up with butt plugs to make a blackjack. Or add a little extra velocity to your dildo launch by re-purposing this water balloon launching crossbow.
And once you’ve incapacitated the intruder, remember that having bondage tape on hand makes restraining them simple.
Disclaimer: This post has been written for humor value, with tongue firmly in cheek. I am not actually encouraging vigilante justice by sex toy. If you are in an actual, life-threatening situation, there are usually better and safer options than whacking someone upside the head with a dildo. Also, before you try to brain an intruder with any large, heavy object, please make sure it’s not actually your spouse/partner/roommate/friend or other person undeserving of such an assault. When I say these sex toys could hurt someone, I’m not kidding!